First things first:

IT'S FINALLY THE HOLIDAYS!!!!!!!!!!! :D

Yay! This is gonna be a lovely (and much needed) two week break :) I'm finally gonna have a bit of time to photoshop/vid and get my website in order (again) - it always seems to slip into this unintentional hiatus because I'm always so busy with everything that updating my site just slips my mind T__T" I've been trying to update it regularly but it's really hard to do that.

I've also got quite a lot of work to do for school over these holidays anyway. My teacher even said, "I use the term 'holiday' loosely. It's more of a study break for you guys."

Thanks mate, that was totally reassuring. =="

ANYWAAAAY!

I watched my first episode of Doctor Who last week! And it was really good! But of course we are really really behind (as always). It was the Christmas special from last year with Kylie Minogue in it :) I really enjoyed it! And I'm gonna watch it again tonight and if I like it I'll catch up on all the rest ;) David Tennant is brilliant ♥

I'm also gonna start working on a new video, which I plan to be a two-part series based on a completely AU triangle that I know never has and never will exist - Norrington/Elizabeth/Beckett from POTC. To clarify, I don't ship any of those three (okay, maybe slightly Norribeth) and I still adore Sparrabeth to bits, but vidding them over and over and over again just gets a bit... boring, unfortunately. And I start to run out of ideas. So yeah, I'm taking a break from those two and I'm exploring other avenues ;)

I have the story loosely sketched out in my head. This'll be really fun to vid, I think :D

I made a new fanart piece on Dean/Bela from Supernatural yesterday too. Those two are interesting; it's a shame Bela had to die. Although I have to admit her accent really wasn't that great. Sam/Ruby are cool too (ARGH I can't believe Katie Cassidy won't be back next season T__T"!) and I might make a piece on them later today. :D

So yeah, that's just about it.

I feel like learning guitar. Of course before I can do that I'm gonna have to get a guitar. =="

*HAPPYSIGH!* I'm so so so so SO glad it's the holidays. I really desperately needed this break to clear my head. Everything has been so sdklfj;skdlf;sjdkl lately and I'm so glad I can finally have the time to just pull myself together again. :)

♥

So, I absolutely ADORE How I Met Your Mother, it's one of my favourite shows and it's just totally awesome. And I was just on youtube and found this little gem:



It is ABSOLUTELY LEGENDARY. :D

Damn, I love this show. And Barney rocks my world. :)

♥

Oh, I'm so glad this week is over.

Today seemed to drag on and on and on for some reason. It just felt like an incredibly long Friday, but I dunno. And it seems no matter how many times I have to sit through four periods of Maths in a row, it doesn't get any easier, or goes any faster *le sigh*.

I miss Lost :( I miss coming home on a Friday and anticipating the next Lost episode :( It would always make my Fridays so much more wonderful, but now that it's over all I can do after I come home is work T__T".

This is going to be an excruciating painfully long hiatus. :(

It was Garfield's birthday yesterday :) I absolutely love Garfield, and I even have some of the television episodes on tape somewhere :D I feel like watching it, haha. And visiting garfielddaily has become a daily ritual now. ;)

I have an Economics assessment next week which I need to study for. And the third round of debating is next Friday (which means I miss out four periods of maths, YAY!) I'm kinda nervous about the assessment, since it's worth like 15% of our final assessment mark @__@.. Which is quite significant haha. But the yearly is worth 30% so I shouldn't stress too much I suppose :)

Have any of you guys ever tried playing with a ouija board? Or a spirit board, whatever you wanna call it. LOL it's so stupid. It's not even real or anything, unless you believe in all that supernatural jazz. ;) But yeah, this week at school it was kinda the new "thing" haha but that's pretty much over now - it was actually pretty cool, the pen was really moving by itself and some of my friends were all "OMGOMGOMG@__@!" But apparently it's all in yer head xP It was still quite fun though haha. Except the odd thing was a few days after a friend of mine got sick. Coincidence or fate? Either way I doubt any of us will be playing it any time soon ;)

I went to the dentist yesterday and had some fillings done. I'm now forcing myself to stay the hell away from chocolate for a week but something tells me I won't last -__-" ..

Anyways, I'm gonna head off to Garfield Daily now ;) Hehehe.

I don't know if I'll be able to make any graphics this weekend but hopefully I'll be able to. But I'm kinda planning to go to the library and study and get my major research investigation for Ancient History under way too. Maybe if I find the time this weekend I can squeeze some graphics in, or work on a fanvid, eh? ;)

♥

I hate confronting things - problems, conflicts, feelings. I absolutely can't stand it, and the way I handle it is to completely avoid it. They say "ignorance is bliss", and to a certain degree, it's true.

See, the thing about ignorance is, it's a temporary fix. For a moment, it's all okay. But just like every other temporary fix, it eventually fades away, and you have to confront it eventually no matter how much you don't want to, or how hard you try to run away from it. Which is exactly what I do every single time. I run. I find any excuse to not deal with it simply because I don't want to. Because the truth is a bitch and a pain in the ass and I don't want to face it - so I run from it, and hide behind these walls I've built that I know will keep me safe. But maybe I'm just blocking the truth out, hoping it'll go away. Who knows.

Recently my parents and I got into an argument - there was a lot of yelling, a lot of screaming, a few tears - but no resolution, just more complications. We just ignored each other for a few days and now it's like it's never happened - except it did. We pretend everything is okay, when it's not.

And that's the downside to ignorance - just because you say to yourself the problem isn't there doesn't make it true. It's still there, in the corner of your mind, gathering dust and cobwebs but it'll come out again eventually.

It's like a stupid cycle that won't break - and the more you ignore the problem, the more it builds up, and the harder it gets to manage. And it won't go away on it's own - not until you open that closet and get rid of all those skeletons.

I guess we ignore our problems because we hope that if we ignore it for long enough, it'll eventually just fade away and disappear. That's what we like to think. And while it does work sometimes (I know, because I speak from experience) there's no guarantee. And sometimes, you start to wonder if ignoring it was really the best thing to do - maybe it seemed like a good idea at the time, but now upon reflection, you start to question yourself. What could've been done differently? What if you took a different approach, rather than ignore it? What would things be like now if you hadn't just avoided it all?

I know the best thing for me to do is just to get over it and deal with it but denial is just so much easier. And ignoring it, ignoring it is so much easier.

That said, I admit I'm quite the hypocrite. I also believe if you have something to say, then say it. Don't hide away. Freedom of speech exists for a reason - use it. I don't like cowards, yet at times I'm one myself.

Though I will say this: I do deal with 90% of my problems. But the other 10% of problems are problems I don't want to deal with, and are thoughts I would be happy to leave alone. And it's these 10% of problems that I'm talking about.

As humans, we don't like complications. We like easy. We like convenience. We like shortcuts. But just because it's the easier thing to do doesn't mean it's the right thing to do. But dammit, why can't it be both?

---------------

Totally random, but I'm so in love with Gabriella Cilmi's song "Sweet About Me". It is stuck. In. My. Head. And has been for two days now.

ARRRRRRRRGH.

So, this blog is all about my mum. My incredibly frustrating yet sometimes wonderful mum. Actually, no, change that sometimes to a once in a while. Or maybe once in a blue moon. I don't know.

But she is incredibly frustrating. I reallyreallyreally don't understand her half the time - and that's all because I hardly ever talk to her. She isn't the regular mum that's like, my best friend or whatever. She won't just talk to me about anything because, well, to be honest I'm not sure why. She's never said that she loves me - only ever indirectly. She's never hugged me just because she felt like it. She's not the affectionate, kind, caring mother you'd expect her to be.

Something about my mum makes her seem somewhat arrogant. Whenever someone says I might look like her a bit, she's just all, "no she doesn't, she looks like her father". It's as if she finds it insulting for me to look like her. I don't know. Maybe I'm just over-analysing it (and I thought I was over that, god dammit).

Yeah, that just pisses me off. Because I hear about other mums and parents being all caring and I wonder why the hell can't my family be like that.

So tonight, I've been working my ass off finishing my short story, writing a speech for a friend and working on an essay. I've been wanting to talk to my brother for aaages but he hasn't been around and I've been missing him terribly and have been wanting to talk to him. He came home tonight, and surprisingly I wasn't in bed yet. So he opens the door, comes in and I'm thinking, "YAY! Ben's home, I get to chat to him now" and what's the FIRST thing my mum has to do?

She starts YELLING and SCREAMING at him, telling him off AGAIN for like the 3290523750923572305th time, and if this was happening a few years ago then I might've understood but I know my brother is trying to be a better person but all she can do is put him down and yell at him just because everything is going wrong for her so she might as well yell at him because she has to take it out on someone and since she always always always has to take it out on my brother she just goes and yells at him.

So really, I went from being all "YAY!" to "oh god, not again." (By the way, that conversation I wanted to have with my brother? Yeah, lasted about 10 seconds. Me: Hey, wanted to ask you something, whats the difference between Bachelor of Commerce and Bachelor of Economics? Ben: *gives me the simple answer* Me: Oh, okay. I still don't get it, but okay. *brother walks off*)

That frustrates me SO much. Seriously, she can't even just sit down and have a decent conversation with him without having that tone of "don't fucking lie to me you son of a bitch I hate you and you're a totally screwed up boy who can't do shit". And not only does it frustrate me but it breaks my heart because out of my entire family, I have the closest relationship with my brother. And after about five minutes of her just yelling at him and my brother standing there having to suck it all up, I'm sitting here, doing my work, feeling absolutely wretched and miserable and helpless because it's like there's nothing I can do.

ARRRGH. I just don't understand it. Unless my mum went through some serious shit that she refuses to talk about that made her turn out be some cold, distant, unaffectionate human being, I just don't (and probably won't ever) understand her.

And therefore it's partly her fault that I myself am quite cold, distant and unaffectionate at times. I get it from her. I get it from all the crap I've had to put up with because of her, and her constant negativity towards my brother, and all that other crap.

I know one thing for sure: I will never, ever ever ever ever EVER turn out to be anything like her. I'll hate myself if I do. I could never be her. I know what it's like to know someone like her, so there's no way I'll ever become someone like her. Ever.

This is the one thing I hope is NOT passed down to me from her. Please, god, don't let me become the thing I most resent.

Yeah, she's like the question I don't know the answer to - the puzzle I can't break, the rubix cube I can't solve (then again I can't even solve rubix cubes in the first place so that's a stupid metaphor).

Anyway, it's midnight, I've been yawning uncontrollably for almost an hour and I desperately need my sleep.
I know half of this entry kinda made no sense. That's kinda what happens when you're dead tired.

So, ever since I got back from Paris waaaay back in January, I've been missing it ridiculously. The weird bit, however, is the fact that all of a sudden I've been seeing a lot of French/France-related things pop up in my life more and more and I'm starting to think it's stalking me.

I've made a list, too.

I'm just trying to remember this off the top of my head so let's see:

1. In my Economics class the other day, we were talking about unemployment, and my teacher mentioned how unemployment was a lot worse in European countries, such as France.
2. In Chemistry, we're learning about Gay-Lussac's Law (and yes that's a real name, don't laugh at it) who just happens to be a French chemist and physicist.
3. During the formal assembly the other day, the principal mentioned how our sister school in Vietnam is also sister schools with a school in France and the US, and in November there's gonna be a bunch of French and American kids there.
4. The French Open has happened recently.
5. France was mentioned during Ancient History at one point.
6. My signature quote is "mehh" - I say it whenever I don't know what to say or to break an awkward silence (because I can't stand them) and my friend just had to turn that into a "merci" - or "thankyou" in French.
7. We had a substitute teacher the other day, he was Sri Lankin and could speak a whole bunch of languages - including French.
8. My mum was talking to my uncle in France the other day.
9. Apparently my friend might be going to France later this year.
10. While I was at my friend's house the other day we were playing eyetoy and we almost changed the language to - you guessed it - French.

Yeah, that's all the examples I can think of at the moment. And all of this has happened within the past two weeks. It's either just a crazy coincidence, or I'm just going crazy.

Je ne sais pas.

Well, this was a pointless post. Back to work now.

And yes, I'm aware this is my second post within 2-3 hours of my first. -__-"

And I'm still listening to Coldplay.

♥

This is totally random, but...

COLDPLAY'S NEW ALBUM IS BLOODY BRILLIANT!!!

I was/am listening to it on their Myspace page (you gotta friend 'em and then you can hear it exclusively) and GOD DANG. There ain't a song on it that I don't like.

I FUCKING LOVE THESE GUYS.

CHRIS MARTIN AND EVERYONE ELSE IN COLDPLAY, YOU GUYS ARE LEGEN-WAITFORIT...-DARY!

Yeah, I'm just gonna keep listening to their album now.

It's called "Viva la Vida" and it's out worldwide on June 16 and I'M TOTALLY GETTING IT! I usually don't buy albums unless they're reallyreallyreally good or I'm obsessed with the artist that's releasing them but wooow this one I'm buyin' for keeps. ♥

Lucky for moi us Aussies get it before that (it's either June 13 or June 14, I just read it on Wiki but I forgot already) so YAAAAAY. :)

And they're having a world tour soon. YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

(Did I mention they have a song on the track called "Lost" and another one called "42"? Hehehehe. Yeah, it's a Lost thing. ;D)

♥

So today has been long and exhausting T__T".

I woke up at 7am, I have no idea how or why but whatever, who cares haha that's not the point. Point is I went to the cinemas at around 11am to find that none of my friends were there yet, and we were meant to watch the 11am session of Prince Caspian and I was the first one there -__-" .. so I was just kinda sitting around for a bit, then I called my friend to ask him where the hell he was, and his reply was "I'll be there soon", and he's the one that was all "WE'RE WATCHING THE 11AM SESSION". After that I got kinda tired of waiting so I was walking around for a bit around the shops and all, and then I went back up to the cinemas and I see one of my friends there and we're all, "OMG HI! SOMEONE'S FINALLY HERE LOLOL I THOUGHT I WAS LATE OR THAT THEY STARTED WITHOUT ME". So then we started walking around as well and we bump into another one of my friends and eventually we all met up and we ended up watching the 12.30pm session haha.

About the movie, OMFG IT WAS SO FREAKING AWESOME! DLF;KJSDFLKS. It was funny, had some action, teeny bit of romance but overall it was really good, I'd totally watch it again haha. There were a few parts where I was thinking, "OMG this is totally like Lord of the Rings" and my friends were thinking the exact same thing LOL! Because there's like moving trees and and dwarves and that crazy water thing and and yeah it was very LOTR-ish haha.

So after the movie I had to rush off to meet my friend and it turned out I had to wait for her as well so I rushed for no reason at all -__-" I caught the train back and I was by myself so my primary thought was "I hope I don't get lost." Luckily I didn't which was awesome :)

Then I finally met up with my other mates and we headed off back to her place, then we went to rent a few movies but I think we pretty much only rented one - The VAAACANCYYY. It was meant to be a movie marathon but we spent so much time pigging out on pizza and chips and chocolate and lollies that we didn't really... yeah I don't know haha. We wanted to watch something scary (okay, it was just me and my friend and the others were scared shitless) and OHMYFREAKINGGOD THE VACANCY IS SUCH A STUPID MOVIE.

This is what I haaate about horror movies, they try so hard to be scary and have a bunch of stupid try-to-be-scary-but-aren't-really-scary moments, yet they don't have a decent freaking plot and that pisses me off so much. For once, I'd like to watch a horror movie with a DECENT plot, and some DECENT scares instead of the same cheap crazypsychopath shit that we constantly see over and over again. It was not scary at all (IMO) but my friends were screaming and while they were doing that I was kinda just... yeah, laughing. As usual haha.

Oh yeah, and we headed off to my friend's house who was down the road and just visited unexpectedly (but we gave him free food, hehe). Turned out he was sleeping haha. I offered to yell to wake him up but... mehh. We were there for like 10 minutes then we just left haha.

Afterwards we were just mucking around and playing some games, and I didn't get home until around 10.20pm-ish. So I spent my entire day out haha. My parents are now giving me the silent treatment and being all, "YOU'RE NOT GOING OUT ANYMORE YOU WASTE THE ENTIRE DAY" and all that shit. But seriously, I am beyond caring. They need to grow up, and understand that I'm growing up, and that I have the right to go out and have a life rather than stay at home and study all the time. Freakin' hell. They're so controlling; they just want me to turn out to be a big ass nerd with perfect straight A's and all that other crap, get a high paying job so I can end up supporting them.

I'M NOT WHAT YOU WANT ME TO BE. AND I NEVER WILL BE WHAT YOU WANT ME TO BE. SO ACCEPT ME FOR WHO I AM - YOUR DAUGHTER, AND BE CONTENT IN KNOWING I'M DOING MY BEST, INSTEAD OF WISHING I WOULD BE THE BEST. I AM NOT PERFECT, SO STOP DEMANDING PERFECTION FROM ME. I CAN NOT BE WHAT YOU WANT ME TO BE, SO QUIT FORCING ME TO DO THIS. LET ME LIVE MY OWN LIFE AND STOP TRYING TO LIVE IT FOR ME.

I seriously don't think they give a crap about how I feel. If they did, they wouldn't keep me at home constantly and be so strict on me and let me have a freaking life. The only thing I can ever talk to them about is school, or my grades or something. I can't talk to them about me, or how I feel or think, or about my friends or anything at all except school and my future and shit. It's so frustrating! GODDDD.

I got a mobile phone just a few weeks ago. I'm 16, and have been since February. There are little primary kids who are like 10 or 11 years old who already have mobile phones. Now that's just sad, really.

Honestly, I'm getting so sick of them. I've put up with them for so long and I'm really getting sick of putting up with them. They constantly bitch about how I'm 16 and how I'm older now and should be more responsible; well HOW THE FUCK CAN I when they don't even trust me and let me go out half the time!?

A lot of the time when my friends invite me to something, I usually have to say "no" just to keep my parents happy.

And frankly I'm tired of keeping them happy.

It's about time I kept myself happy.

So screw the over-analysing. From now on I go with the flow, and I do things for my own happiness and not for theirs. In the end it's my life, and it's in my hands, so... mehh. They keep telling me how they won't always be around to look after me - well, I never said I had to be looked after.

Don't get me wrong, that doesn't mean I'm gonna quit working hard or whatever (hell, I'm just getting started) but before I was studying hard to make my parents proud of me. Now I realise I don't need their approval - if their approval is what's making me miserable, then I'm not having it. Now, I'm working my ass off to get to where I want to be, to be who I want to be.

I'm not doing any of this for them anymore. I'm doing this for me.

♥

Starting from tomorrow, these are the things I will do.

I WILL:

1. Stop being a lazy procrastinator and get my work done straight after school.

2. Study weeks prior to an exam, and not cram it all at the last minute.

3. Revise and make notes on a constant basis, i.e. weekly.

4. Stay away from the fucking internet because it is so fucking distracting.

5. Work hard, be determined and aim for the best marks I can possibly get.

6. Not get distracted by stupid, silly trifles (which has been happening a lot recently even though I don't want it happening but it just is and I want it to stop, dammit - enough with all that stupid unrealistic daydreamy wishy washy "if only" crap. NOT. HAPPENING. GROW. UP. GET. OVER. IT. NO. MORE. DISTRACTIONS! kthxbai. I refuse to be all... ksdl;jfsadfksdjfla. REFUSE, dangit.)

7. Not sleep until noon on weekends, because it's time to grow up and sleeping in is so overrated now.

It's time I took a completely different approach to my studies. Before it was just, "pay attention in class, do work, go home and do homework, study a few days before an exam". NOW, it's going to be, "pay attention in class, WRITE NOTES, do work, BE ORGANISED, go home and do homework, MAKE NOTES, REVISE, study a few WEEKS before an exam." I'm now aware of what I need to do to reach my goals and what I have to do to get there. Enough with the bludging, procrastinating, and sitting around thinking I'll be fine if I don't do my work - that's bullshit, and we all know it.

I've finally finally finally found my motivation. And I almost had to hit rock bottom on the self-asteem scale before I found it. It's a good feeling, and I'm feeling good about it and I want to keep feeling good about it so it's time for me to step up my game.

"Some people dream of success, others wake up and work hard at it."

Looks like I've finally woken up.